*Editorial Note*


     Hello, world!  My name is Janice M. Brown and I'm still, alive!  Haha!  I never imagined, I'd make it, this far?  Since I am here, and many, who've, seriously, contemplated suicide, are not?  I'd like to take some time, to give my "Last 5 Fucks", to someone--anyone, who might be curious?  Not in a Bi-Sexual, kind of "curiosity" but with a genuine, curiosity, about why I've "chosen" to live? 

     There a number of reasons--none of which, I discovered, whilst, searching, for them?  No, I don't think I've ever spoken, about Suicide, to anyone, besides my Psychiatrist, when I wanted to get a professional, evaluation to satisfy, my own curiosity?  I never even felt depressed?  I pretended, to be happy, for so long, I think it was just easier, to keep emotions buried?  Nobody cares--or so I believed?  I have been proven wrong, so many times, I had to admit, that people "DO" care?  I care?  People, who care about people, get discouraged, when there is so much tragedy, in the world--seemingly, intentionally, inflicted, on all people?  

     Pain, is pain and people deal with all types of pain, in as many ways, as there are individuals?  What works for me, may not work, for others?  I'm sure I'm not the only person, who ever decided to self-medicate?  I'm positive, I'm lucky, I didn't do something, that could have killered me?  Well, I have done shit, that could have killed me, but I don't think I was trying, to die?  I just don't know how I thought I could live, with some of the terrible, and dangerous, choices, I have made?  I blame no one, but myself?  No one forced me to make those, decisions?  In the larger scheme, of things, I would do it all, again, for the knowledge, I gained?  What I learned, in the streets, is the true, tale of "The Two Americas."

     I am stronger, now, because I shared my story.  It may not work, for everyone?  I'm just giving my own, testimony--my own truth, is cathardic, for me?  All criticism, is welcome?  I can take it, or leave it?  Anyone who wants to discuss, living--let's discuss it?  Contact me, and we can set somethng up?  In fact, I, ONLY, want to discuss death and living.  I'd love to cook and watch your favorite, movie, or mine?  I'll come anywhere, anytime and prepare a meal, with you and your guests.  Since Suicide is such a sensitive, topic, feel free, to refer a friend, if you know someone, who might have some quuestions about how I did it?  My story isn't as unique, as I thought, it was?     

     This project, is a reflection, of what I can remember, about my life and represents the darkness, that I think I’ve been able to over-come?  I’ve had a life of privilege and never knew it, until, I got my life, together, in 1989, when I got “clean and sober.”  I never joined the rest of society, for fear, of rejection.  The GOP has done a stellar job, of demonizing liberal, social, policy.  The people, Democrats fight for, vote Republican, because of the White, Christian, male-dominated, patriarchy. 

     Our country is closer to left-center.  All Americans matter but not according to public policy.  The money has become, King and the King, controls the world.  I became a fan, of political, humor, because that was the only way, to deal with all the bullshit, we’ve been fed, since Lincoln, freed the slaves?  Liberal talkers, like Bill Mahar and Keith Olbermann, now Kathy Griffin and Samantha B. have always run into a brick, wall, of Conservatism, that has always had the power, to squash, dissent and I never felt like America really meant, what it promised—especially, when it comes to Native Americans, and over time, every other minority? 

     My ancestors were sold a “bill of goods”, that have spoiled and is now poisoning everything, exposed, to it?  We’ve had to watch because they made us their very first, allies, against, in exchange, for “The Trail of Tears.”  Great bargain—if it had been true.  We would have shared the government—instead, we’re hostages?  Not no mo’?  Forget about my redress, for bogus, treaties?  My life is fucked!  Now, I’m an activist, for gun violence, justice.  No more Mr. Nice Guy.  I’m One Lucky Lady, a.k.a., “The Black Pussy Cat Ninja.”  I am a Christian and a Democrat.  Jesus, 1st!  Everything else 2nd. 

     No one knows who I am because anonymity kept me, relatively, “safe.”  I guess, fear has kept me “quiet?” Barack Obama gave me real hope, for America.  Hillary Clinton “just got it?”  She was going to “Keep America Great.” 

     I have never experienced, true, freedom.  As a member of the LGBTQ, community, I some never intended to allow my 1st Amendment right, to “life, liberty and the pursuit, of happiness?”  The “Sexy Liberal Tour”, with 2 comedians, Frangela, who looked like me, and who were headlining, alongside, some of the best entertainers, out there, who just happened to be White?   It “healed me”, to a certain, extent?  That was a new and unique, event, I had been waiting, to see, my whole life. 

     Those Obama years, seeing the Federal Government work, the way our forefathers designed it, gave us all hope!  It was the first and the last time, I think I’ve ever been truly, happy, in spite, of all that I have experienced, in 57 years.  That, life, was stolen, when Putin declared war, on the United States and installed, a stone, cold, killer. 

     I fear, for my beautiful, Choctaw Indian, homeland?  I fear, even, for the settlers, who now, behave, like the Israeli, occupiers, who have betrayed, Jews, all around the world, by embracing, “very, fine, people”, who voted for Trump and now march, with Tiki, torches, in the dark, chanting, “Jews will not replace us,” and not one Republican, denounced the act, because an illegitimate, Russian installed, “American President”, refused, to apologize, for fomenting, the hate, as well as, doubling down, on his support, for everything, the NRA, pays him, to double down—and even go, father! 

     So, long as corrupt, politicians continue to put profits, over people, I will resist.  Don’t bother pushing those Parkland, kids around, anymore, Dana Loesch?  I can be your target, now.  Have at it?  I am not afraid of your tough, talk.  I bet you won’t step into a boxing ring, with me, for a fair, fight?  No, I thought not.  I don’t need a gun, to back my word up.  That’s an open invitation?  If you ever want to raise some money, for some of the gun violence, victim’s, family’s funerals, or travel, expenses, for their extended relatives, to get, to those funerals? 

     David Hogg walks, the walk.  He’s not a “crisis actor’, like you appear, to be, for NRA, money?  Forget about those silly boys and their penis, compensating, toys?  Let’s do it, for the kids?  We, just you and me, could make that happen, okay?  OKAY????  It would be a gesture, of sincere, sympathy, on yours and the NRA’s, behalf.  

     In fact, you can afford to finance the whole thing?  Do you even have any sympathy, to give?  To the rest of the world, it looks like you gun lobby, folks just want to be able to “Kill at Will?”  Kill, because you’re afraid?  Kill, because the “rap music”, was too, loud?  Kill, because you’re a cop and killing unarmed, Black men and women, is what society pays you to do?  Kill, because some immigrants, refugees and Brown people, including women and children, who’ve fled war zones and dictators, who only seek asylum, from persecution, or who are seeking the American Dream?”  Kill, because that’s what an assault weapon, is meant, to do? 

     How about, you don’t get a gun, until and unless, you are proficient, to operate one?  No?  We do it for cars?  How about, if you’re required, to get a psych, evaluation, that takes a whole year, to complete certification, before we can “TRUST”, that you aren’t a 2nd Amendment supporting, law-abiding, mass shooter, just waiting, to kill us?  What’s your hurry?  Those “deer” aren’t going anywhere?  It’s a tiny, fucking ask, no?  We do it for Veterinarians, who treat animals!  A human life, is just as valuable, as any animal, don’t you think?  If you just want to shoot and kill your enemies? Have at it.  I suspect, I’ll be dead, soon, from someone, who believes, every word, spoken, by “Dear Leader?”  That’s the America, we, live in, now. 

     If I cannot change your mind, the United States, may collapse.  Those who hate me, will never rest, until they kill, everyone, who disagrees, with them.  They have the power.  I’m #YourFavoritePsychic and I would never lie to you.  They’ve stolen all 4 branches of government and they will not surrender.  That is the “Free Will”, God has given all of us.  So be it, but America will never accept, a Nazi, for our President, nor any person, aspiring, to become, our dictator. 

     My WWII, and Korean War, Navy dad, did not fight, for this country, so it could be taken over, by a tyrant.  I won’t allow it.  I’ll fight for change.  As Tom Petty once said, “And I won’t back down.  I will stand my, ground”, and I’ll never, just, “get over it.”  I am silent, now, by choice, for those “Silent 17”, Stoneman Douglas, victims.  Y’all can run, go tell that?